Christmas Jokes

Electric Trains

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"

The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."





'Twas The Night Before Christmas - Military Version


'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defences were up, with electronic eyes.

Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron,
each SAM in its tube,

Was triply-redundant,
linked to the Blue Cube,

And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defence.

When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;

I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.

"Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"

On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock!

Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,

And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.

So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea

Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.

Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.

For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
All the web of defences we've carefully made.

But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.

So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!




Twenty Uses for Fruitcake

1. Use as a doorstop
2. Use as a paperweight
3. Use to clean your pots and pans
4. Use as boat anchor
5. Use as bricks in fireplace
6. Build a house with them
7. Use it to hold up your Christmas tree
8. Use as a pencil holder
9. Give it to the cat for a scratching post
10. Put it in the back yard to feed the birds and squirrels
11. Hold up your car when changing tires
12. Slice and use for poker chips
13. Use it to carve your turkey on
14. Use as replacement for Duraflame log
15. Take it camping with you...use it to weigh down the tent
16. Use it as a seat at a stadium event
17. Stand on it when you change a lightbulb
18. Put it in the back of your car/truck for snow/ice driving
19. Replaces free weights when you work out
20. Use as book ends at the school library